As my pain worsens every day the discouragement seems to grow with it. This past week has been one of the worst weeks of pain ever and it feels like it will never end. I was praying about my doctors and all the changes that have been made to my treatment plan lately and the Lord whispered to my heart, “When everything falls apart in life, it is okay to feel.” Let me tell you, right now I am feeling a lot! At different times I feel discouraged, upset, angry, depressed, and confused and the list could go on. When I begin to feel, I contempt myself for having those emotions. I think to myself, “If I really relied on the Father I wouldn’t feel this way right now.” Oh really? That’s strange because I think the Father CREATED emotions! We make them out to be so bad, but the Lord gave them to us and they are a gift! Those emotions can do one of two things: they can send us running to the Father or running away from Him. His heart is for us to feel the realities of this life and run to His safe embrace.
When I feel overwhelmed by discouragement I am not weak, I simply have a choice. I can run to comforts in this world, like my personal favorite, ice cream, or I can run to the Father who accepts me in my discouragement, but has the power to totally change my vision. When I choose to let the Father comfort me I am surrounded with the truth that the Lord is FAITHFUL to His promises, He is a KIND Father, His LOVE for me is deep, He knows what is best for me and He is in CONTROL! Now I feel full of life and I am confident in the promises of the Father! If I would not have allowed myself to feel the depths of that discouragement I might not have run to the Father in such need. If I would have just beat myself up for feeling discouraged and told myself to get it together I wouldn’t have allowed the Father to share His heart with me. Emotions are sometimes hard to feel, but they are a launching pad right into the lap of God as our Father!
One of the greatest things I have learned through all of this is that I cannot pick and choose which emotions I want to feel. A big phrase right now is “Choose Joy”. I understand what people mean by it, but I cannot “choose joy” and not “choose disappointment”. It simply does not work like that. I either turn my heart on to feeling the good, the bad and the ugly or I shut down and harden my heart and do not feel anything at all. Trust me, not feeling might sound good, but it is a recipe for a very unhappy, unfulfilling life. It is very important that we change our thinking that there are “good” emotions and “bad” emotions. All emotions were created by the Father and none of them are “bad”. Not only did God create these emotions He experiences them as well. We are created in His image and that includes our emotions. Look at the life of Jesus as He was the exact representation of the Father here on earth (Heb. 1:3). He was sinless, but He experienced many emotions. He was furious when He entered the temple and they were buying, selling and trading. He said, “My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.” (Matt 21:13). He flipped over tables, people. He was angry but not in sin. Anger is not a “bad” emotion! In fact, sometimes anger is the only right response to a situation, we just have to control how we react to it. Another time, He wept over the death of Lazarus with Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha. He was filled with sadness and pain at the loss of His friend. Then He proceeded to raise Lazarus from the dead. Wait, what?! Why was He crying if He knew He was going to raise Him from the dead? Jesus wept because He was in touch with His emotions! He saw the pain of Mary and Martha and others that loved Lazarus and it hurt His heart. His heart was moved with compassion and He felt deeply, just like He created us to feel.
So, start feeling! If only it was that easy. Many of us have years of experience in numbing pain and running from emotions that we have deemed “bad”. Ask Jesus to show you where you are numb and why you began shutting your heart down in that area. Then ask Him to walk with you into those painful areas so you can begin to feel again. He is faithful and He is the Great Counselor. There is no one better you could trust your heart with.
Life Update: My doctors believe the endometriosis has gotten to a point that it is dangerous to move forward with any further infertility treatments. They have recommended that I have surgery to remove the endometriosis and then after the recovery time we will resume infertility treatment. Due to my insurance coverage, I am having the surgery in Tennessee which has been more complicated than expected. I am asking (begging) for prayer that we will be able to get everything figured out and schedule this surgery soon. My pain is so bad now that I rarely leave my home or do anything other than hold the couch in place. Pray for Paul as he has to deal with my bored self all day, every day! I am way too much of a busy bee for all of this sitting around stuff! (The Lord is working on my heart about that too. Maybe that will be the next post!) This will be my third surgery for endometriosis and hopefully it will help me to feel better. I thank you in advance for your prayers!