This past week has been a heartbreaking and tear-filled week. It seems like we have received more and more bad news every day. Sometimes it feels like this journey will never end and I will be in pain for the rest of my life. I know that isn't true, but it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A week ago today, we found out our first round of infertility treatment was not successful. A few days later we had another doctor’s appointment. We thought this was just a routine checkup and were not really expecting news of any kind. After running some tests, they took us into a consultation room just like every other time we have been there. Paul and I flipped through magazines and waited to hear what the plan was moving forward. The nurse came back in the room informed us that a large cyst had developed on my left ovary. This meant we would not be able to move forward with the treatment for at least one month, possibly several months until it reduces in size. I sat stunned in that office like a deer in headlights. I could not believe what I was hearing. I questioned the nurse several times about all of our options because I was in total disbelief.
Paul and I walked out of the doctor’s office in complete silence. That ride down the elevator and walk to the car seemed like the longest ever. As soon as we got in the car I burst into tears. What on earth is happening?! Why is nothing going right? Lord, where are you in all of this?!
Every time we are disappointed in life, we are tempted to start accusing and blaming the Lord. In that car ride home, I was tempted to put the Lord on trial and question Him for why He would not allow me to get pregnant when so many people were praying for this miracle baby. How could He be a Good Father and allow me to live in so much pain? There is a difference between asking the Father questions and questioning the Father. When we allow ourselves to start questioning the Lord, we are allowing Satan to accuse the Father. My heart can be totally pure in asking the Lord what He is doing in this situation because I do not understand it. However, we cross over into accusing the Father when we begin questioning His very nature and putting Him on trial.
In the very beginning of time, Satan ultimately persuaded Eve to sin by getting her to question who the Father was. Satan questioned God’s motives and His love for Adam and Eve, and even twisted the Father’s words. When we go through trials, Satan will try to whisper in our ears, “You really think God is good? How could a good Father let this happen? Has God forgotten about you? Does He even care about you?” From these questions, we can begin pointing our finger at God and accusing Him. When disappointments come our way in life, we have a choice: we can either accuse the Father, or we can run into His open arms. When we go through hard times, we tend to picture God as a far-off guy in the sky looking down on us, totally uninvolved in our situation. In reality, this is the farthest thing from the truth. When we are disappointed the Father hurts with us in our disappointment! He is a good Father who wants to wrap us up in His loving arms and walk with us through the valley.
When we get into painful situations and we begin blaming and accusing the Father, we are accusing our One Source of comfort and strength. Whatever you are facing right now, I encourage you to run to the arms of the Father. In that place of humble surrender there is peace, comfort, and so much clarity about what is really happening. Do not push away the One who truly loves every part of you. Let Him into your pain instead of shutting Him out. The pride inside of us thinks we know what is best for us and that we deserve to be mad at God for not doing things the way we think they should be done. When in reality that is like a toddler being mad at his parents for not letting him eat cookies for breakfast. To the toddler, that seems like the best idea ever. But his parents know in the long run, that would be very bad for his health. God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9). We have to trust that He has our best interest in mind. He is Love and He can never do anything apart from love.