When I was young and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say, “I want to be a wife and a mommy.” Being a mother has always been a huge dream in my heart. When I was eighteen, I found out that I had developed endometriosis. At this time in my life, the thought of having children or the possibility of being unable to have children was not really a reality for me. After having surgery, the doctor assured us that despite the amount of damage the endo has caused, I should be able to have children. Paul and I had been married for just a few months when I heard the Lord say to me, “Your road to pregnancy will not look like others around you,” to which I responded, “Yeah, I know!” Really, I had no idea how hard it would be. I did not think the endo would return so fiercely and I never dreamed I would be unable to get pregnant when Paul and I were ready to.
When my endo came back in the summer of 2015, we immediately began trying to get pregnant. Every month was like a roller coaster of hoping and believing for a child, only to be greeted by the crushing disappointment of negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. After going through this for many months, the endo only continued to progress which translated into increasing and consistent pain. By the end of 2015, I could barely function because the pain was so bad. We decided to look into other treatments that would suppress the endo and reduce the pain. At that point, I felt totally defeated. I really believed the Lord would come through and give us a child. It felt like I had spent six months in terrible pain for nothing. I felt so lost, so defeated, and so confused about who the Lord was. In my head, I knew He was good, faithful, and kind. However, in my heart I wasn’t so sure. The Lord had promised me multiple times through my own dreams and words from others (who didn’t even know me) that I would have children- so why was this so hard?
I truly thought I had given every part of my life over to the Lord until this season of my life. I could hardly stand the feeling of being so out of control. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make myself get pregnant. The only person in control was the Lord. AHH! I was forced to get out of the driver’s seat, but I was just so comfortable there! During this season, I sang Rita Springer’s song “You Never Change” probably a thousand times. One of the lyrics says, “though my prayers are heard, the response is Yours, God, and You are good.” While letting go of control was hard, I’ve learned that it brings so much peace and takes all the pressure off! I don’t have to carry the weight off all of this because God is in control.
In the midst of all the pain, confusion, and fear I started settling into this verse, “& if not, He is still good” (Daniel 3:18). I felt so much peace cover me when I could really sit and soak in that truth. While everything around me seems to be spinning out of control, there is one thing I can stand firm on; that God is good and He never changes. I cannot even imagine the disappointment I will feel if Paul and I are unable to have children. But I know that God is still good.
I want to encourage you to make this verse your own. I say “& if I cannot have children, You are still good.” Trust me, that is not always easy to say, but I know in my heart it is true. Let the Lord into those deep longings in your heart and give your desires to Him. He is so faithful and so kind. He is good.
The Lemondime and I are partnering to sell these necklaces to help with the cost of the infertility treatment. If you would like to purchase one head over to the shop on this site! Thank you for your support and prayers! Big thanks to Juliet Lapham for the beautiful design and Jessica Vaughn photography for the incredible photos!
4. Black & White